I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
ttyl tear gas
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
