I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
