i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
