i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
