we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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