no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
