Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
