i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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