Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come back. Shots need mouths.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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