i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
