dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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