I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
