I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
