Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
