the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
