M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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