I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
