"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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