meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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