i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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