dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
