i just had sex bonerless
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
