our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
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