i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
