Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
