got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
