it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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