i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
