i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
