that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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