sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
