I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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