So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
