the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
