im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
