So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
