I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
