either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
