and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
