he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
