fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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