I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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