Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
