my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
