I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
