There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
