This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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