god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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