My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
