I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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