I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
