I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
