Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
